On turning twenty.

Nostalgia talks to me.
Do you see your childhood slipping away?
He taunts.
Remember swings?
You're too big now.

I talk back to him.
Do you see how you're torturing me?
I know these.
I remember swings
And love them.

Nostalgia swings with me.
And with each sway he whispers,
Another year,
another day
you will not have again.

I cry as I swing.
Tell me, Nostalgia, what do I do?
I've loved these years.
If I let myself turn another,
I will not have the last.

Stay, he says.
Do not let them go.

But I can't.
I'm too big for the swing
and my hands hurt
from gripping the chains
so tightly.

I let go.

I've been having some serious nostalgia/ homesickness/ sentimentality lately. Today is officially my twentieth birthday, which just seems so strange for some reason. I've been thinking a lot about growing up with my family and how so many things have changed over the years. When I was little, it was all about me and my 7 other siblings running around, playing, and going to school. Now I can look at my 12 nieces and nephews and reminisce about what it was like. As much as some of my feelings are telling me that getting older is something to avoid, I want to embrace it with all that I have. I have been given beautiful life. Each day is a gift that I do not deserve.

The friends I've been abundantly blessed with. My ever-growing family that loves me so. A school that feeds me truth every single day. A room of my very own to sleep in every night. Cameras, paint brushes, pencils, and fabric to create whatever my heart desires. Cold weather for my birthday weekend. A child running to give me a big hug. People that tell me they love me.

There is no way that I have done anything to deserve the least of these. Yet they have been given to me so graciously. And even still, these do not compare to the most beautiful gift I've been given. Without it, all of these would mean nothing.

I proclaim with all that I have that the redemption given me through Jesus Christ, Son of God, is the only reason I live. And for him, I will give 20 years of my life without hesitation. And for him, I will be glad and rejoice to live more.


Franfrelli said...

I miss you.

ashley said...

stay tuned. the best is yet to come in life. :)

Dita Maulani said...

you're about to taste the bestest things in life, dear. happy belated birthday! :)


Katie Shatzer said...

Hi there... I don't think we've ever met but I found your blog because you posted my friend Josh on it. Anyway, I turned 20 at Union a 2 1/2 years ago, and I remember feeling some of the same things. An older friend of mine gave me several small gifts, each with a note wishing me something different in my 20s. I don't have the notes in front of me, but I remember one of them that said, "May there be passion in your 20s." At the time, that only held one meaning (hehe), but now I'm realizing that's the promise of your 20s -- letting yourself explore the things that you're passion about, the things that make you feel like you are drinking deeply of joy. Which seems to be what you're exploring with this fabulous blog, so carry on... All the best (and happy belated birthday), Katie

ms.composure said...

o wow. very powerful post!!! thanks for sharing!!


Kathryn Lynn said...

Thank you everyone! It's been an incredible couple weeks of being 20 so far. I deeply appreciate all your comments.