Just Words.

I truly don't know what to feel right now. 
I just lost everything on my computer from the last year and a half. 
That's my entire life since I've left home and been in college.
I lost all my family photos. 
All of those birthday parties, all of those gatherings.
All of those precious moments I was able to be home for, even for just a little while.
I lost my entire body of work I've created since over a year ago.
My entire portfolio. 
Gone.


Sure, there are small picture files I still have from the blog. Really, most of my favorites are on here. And even some full file sizes are on my flickr. But there are some photos that I will never see again. I would guess at the very least over 10,000 pictures I will never see again. I don't mean to be dramatic. But you have to understand all that has been invested to get those photos. 


About a week ago I started having issues with my Macbook, which deep down inside was really concerning me and making me feel quite ill. After several very knowledgable people looked at it and with much research, I realized there was the faintest glimmer of hope left for ever seeing anything from that computer again. Before I went to Apple to confirm that all was lost, I told God that I trusted him with the outcome. I asked that whatever might glorify him most, that it might be done. And so now, even though I want to weep and ask, "How, Lord? How does this glorify you more?"...I have to trust that it does. I strive to trust that it will. I need to trust that the loss of these pictures and everything that results will be better than if they were still here. 


Even now I am learning and pondering new things. And I am thankful. 
Every photo I've taken is a gift. The camera I use is mine because the Lord blessed me with it. The abilities I have to take pictures are mine only because the Lord gave them to me. And each and every circumstance from each and every photo I've taken was given to me freely. And I deserve none of these. So why do I feel like I should have them back? I shouldn't. 


This was a situation that was entirely out of my control. It did not matter how much effort I put into creating each one of those over 10,000 photos. It did not matter how important to my career it was to have those photos. It did not matter what sentimental value each photo of my nieces and nephews held to me. It did not matter that I trusted God with the outcome. None of these made it so that my pictures were saved. But this matter is not about any of these things. 


It is about trusting that God is good. Trusting that what comes of this is good. And not just good, but good. It is good that this happened to me. Why? I can only imagine because I surely don't see it yet. But I know that He does not withhold any good thing from me. And truly, He is all that I need. He is my God, and I am his. 


And pictures...well, they waste away to nothing.


But what hope I have in eternal life. And for that I praise Him, with all that I have I will praise Him!